Standing on the Edge of Me

"I'm standing on the edge of

everything I've never been before,

and I've been standing on the edge of me,

I'm standing on the edge."

"On Fire" by Switchfoot

Have you ever stood on the edge of who you are, looking out on the expanse of who you have been? Looking at the things you did as though someone else has done them, pictures of pictures, things so distant they must have happened to someone else.

I think in a life following the Son, there is a point of no return. There is a time, a place, a monument in your walk where you look back, and there is just no way to return to your old self again. Sometimes people see it only when they feel like the move forward would be too difficult, they look back at the expanse of who they are and into the depths of what the King has done in thier lives and they realize, "How could I go back now? How could I return to my old self, knowing what I know now?"

I have had two of these instances in my life. The first was at orientation week. For those of you who know what this is, kudos to you. For those of you who don't, I'm sorry but no explanation will be made, for the sake of anyone who might someday go. In any case, at this time I was faced with a decision. That decision was, is the King worth it? Worth everything? And that isn't to say worth an arbitrary everything as in abstract, unknown things that must be sacrificed to "carry a cross" and swallow my pride to tell everyday people about my savior. No, I mean a real everything, as far as life on this Earth is concerned. I mean is it worth losing my life, the life of my husband, the lives of my friends, the lives of those I tell and have come to love? Is it worth watching those people be tortured?
Is it worth it?
And I came to one of those points. Where I looked back on the expanse of my life and saw everything up to that point, understood all of my fears and my sin that held me from grace, and I knew that I had come too far to turn back. I knew that no matter where I went from here, if I didn't continue to follow the King, my life would be nothing, would never go back to how it was before, and I would be stuck. I had no real choice but to move forward, knowing what I knew about my Savior and about my King. So I did.

My second monument was a very difficult time my husband was having with the ideas in the Armenianism v. Calvinism debate. We had an awful time of it, him realizing he might not have the faith he once had, and I realizing I might not either... unbeknownst to us, the King had more faith in store than we ever counted on. Amidst our argument/struggle/whirlwind of sorrow, I stopped to think "Where will Jonathan lead me now? Can we ever go back to before? Is there a way that we can still be?" It seemed we must fall into oblivion before ever turning back to who we were before, or what we had come out of. Feeling like our very faith was faltering, I found solace in the fact that I was immovable. I found solace in the fact that, though I felt my faith shaken to the bone, there was nothing in me that could deny Truth. It was a paradox, knowing my faith had failed while still having faith enough to stand and know I wouldn't be able to turn back, like I literally would not have the ability to move in the opposite direction. And so I moved forward.

Last night my soul was in crisis. I realized that my neglect of my relationship with the King was leading me into quiet isolation. In my outcry, my husband reminded me that while I feel far from the King, He has never left me. I started thinking that I was so far from Him, but really I had just taken my earphones out and let go of his hand. He hadn't left, I just wasn't in tune and it was my own fault. If you aren't knowing his language, how can he speak to you? As I reflected on that, I remembered the times of no return. I recalled that He never let me go, and continually called my back and held me steady.

For those who feel far, for those who feel unsteady, for those who feel like they are wandering away...

"I give them eternal life,

and they will never perish,

and no one will snatch them

out of my hand"."

John 10:28

When Jesus says no one will snatch them, that includes us. We cannot snatch ourselves out from His hand. He will not let us run from Him. He is stronger and more loving that we can ever imagine.

"My soul clings to you,

your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 63:8

I love this because in the NT it says that the Son is seated at the right hand... which stands to reason that the Son is who upholds us. In any case, this always brings me back to my King. Since I made that decision from which there can never be a return, my soul has clung to Him, even as my flesh has turned from Him, my soul clings.

"Yes, and from ancient days I am he.

No one can deliver out of my hand.

When I act, who can reverse it?"

Isaiah 43:13

Our King is stronger. And no one can reverse what he acts.

Just some shared encouragement. :]

<3 Erin